Smol tok nomo |
Smol tok nomo |
In the middle of our move a couple of weeks ago I went to Wal-mart tired, sore, and guilty for the fact that I was about to feed my girls Wal Mart popcorn chicken for dinner since I had packed all my cook ware a bit too hasty. That is when I spotted her. She had two little girls a few years older than mine who were in the cart in front of me eating pop corn chicken for dinner as their mother checked out. I smiled in the midst of my weariness, apparently I am not alone in this popcorn chicken thing.
The line was long so I had plenty of time watching the lady in front of me. She picked up a shirt that said “I’m Not Sorry” across the front of it and put it on the belt. I began to think what would make some one that only had three words to represent themselves to the world choose those? The closer I looked at her she looked tough, like a woman of the world, a little rough around the edges and certainly not someone who you would want to accidentally take their parking space. I begin to think “what got her to this point?” Perhaps at one time she was a really sweet girl. A girl whom the world had trampled on time and again, a girl who no doubt faced heartache after heartache rendering her here with this facade. Suddenly she didn’t look so tough to me. She looked broken, putting up walls of defense saying “no more world, you can’t hurt me any more.” I thought about myself standing there looking like the kind of mom who would have baked a casserole for dinner instead of getting popcorn chicken. To be fair, judging by appearances alone I probably looked like life had been kinder to me. The only true difference is when life handed me my share of pain I had Christ’s love to carry me through. I thought if I had made just one decision to get bitter, just one decision to get even, or just one decision to not forgive and my message could have easily been that - “I am not Sorry.” Only His grace helped me to forgive. Only the tiny choices of over and over again listening to that still small voice inside that said “love them anyways.” Jesus Christ was the only difference in she and I. I suddenly wanted to hug her! Tears were welling up in my eyes. I wanted to say by looking at me you probably won’t believe this, but I have been there. I have wanted to throw in the towel, I have wanted to yell to the world “I am not sorry, you all are! You who have hurt or betrayed me!” I knew the answer and I knew Him personally how could I not share Him with the world? It rose up in me as the mother asked the checker (after she had scanned the empty cup of chicken) to throw it away for her and the checkers only response was to forcefully put the empty cup into the young mother’s bag. The lady looked at me in disbelief and I smiled gently at her and said “maybe she didn’t hear you?” trying to make the situation easier for her. After about 20 seconds passed, the checker curtly says, “I heard you I just don’t have room in my trash.” The mother looked at me in disbelief and took her groceries to leave. My heart sunk at the lack of love we as humanity are capable of. Expecting grace for ourselves but so unwilling to give it to others. The checker then tells me after the mother was barely out of ear shot, “I can’t believe the nerve of some people to eat in the store! I would never do that!!” Trying to offer grace to the rude checker I simply reasoned, “ Well as long as you pay for it I don’t see why it is wrong.” I wondered if she had noticed the several pieces I had popped in my mouth in line. She seemed to think she was going to find a comrade in me and we would talk about the other mother being what is wrong with society unable to see the part we play. I had no part in it. She seemed proud in her stance even if I would not condone her actions. I left Wal-Mart thinking “ Jesus loves both of those women.” What had the checker faced in her life to make her act in such a way? People need the Lord. If we are to be His hands and feet we must be consistent in allowing His love to flow through us. I will never look at a run to the store the same, but rather an opportunity to show His love and I may not reach everyone, but I pray everyone I reach feels His love. Who around you is hurting today? Slow down, really look at them and try and see them as God does. Try to reach them even if they don’t know they need to be reached. Without His grace it could be you or I needing someone to show us His love.
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Where has the time gone? At this very moment three years ago I was at the hospital excitingly waiting the birth of our first baby girl. What a life changer! Every moment of life since that day has been fuller, richer and as expected waaaay more exhausting! My first true taste of motherhood being back in the hospital only a few short hours after bringing our 5.6 lbs. beautiful bundle home. She had stopped breathing and started turning blue - every Mother’s worst nightmare. They had suspected seizures and I watched helplessly as they hooked her up to machines and poked mercilessly on her tiny infant veins. She ended up being diagnosed with apnea and was able to leave the hospital with a machine that would go off after so many seconds of not breathing. I still remember the many nights I would lay awake those first few months watching for the rise and fall of her chest. Usually her machine's alarm going off would startle her and she would breathe again, but a few times I would rub or shake her to stimulate her to breathe again. These were the days I learned how easy it was to be selfless when you love someone so deep, even someone you have just met. She grew so fast and learned to love Dora, dump trucks, tents forts with Dad and walking around in Mommy’s clothes. She called every cartoon “veggies” because she loved Veggie Tales (and still does). Every Sunday, while we itinerate as missionaries and go to different churches she asks, “Am I gonna see my friends?” She has learned (on her own) to call any kids, any where, any race or any age “friends.” She seen some pictures of kids from our school in Vanuatu the other day and said “Mommy are those my friends in Wanawatu?” I know she will be the same vivacious bright eyed girl anywhere life takes and I pray to always protect her innocence and teach her be kind to others.
So “Happy Birthday” my sweet beautiful January. I promise to do my best to show you by example what a relationship with God looks like. I promise to hold you when life is hard and not be too harsh when you have to learn hard lessons from your mistakes. I promise to teach you that character is more valuable than beauty and you can be anything you want to be, but will be happiest only when you become what God wants you to be. You are Mommy and Daddy’s bright, bubbly girl with a laugh that is contagious and makes my heart jump into my throat every time I hear I hear it! Happy third birthday- now will you stop telling everyone you are six. :) This is a philosophical blog so if you are not interested in these analytical thoughts of mine please feel free to be excused from the class :)
It has recently occurred to me that I am a sensitive person. I did not even realize it at first, so since it has taken me 30 years to realize it, it has been on my mind a lot lately. Here are some of the juicy viewpoints I have discovered on my analytical overlay of sensitivity. First off, growing up in America we are a culture that does not value sensitivity. In fact we make fun of it, see it as weakness, and value those who are not “too” sensitive. We use it as an excuse for treating someone badly, rationalizing they are just overly sensitive. I am even guilty, when choosing a name for our firstborn one of the names got nixed because I thought it sounded too much like “the name of the sensitive kid that never gets to play outside because they might catch Ebola if they play with dirt and they are allergic to everything." I have since had a change of heart and if you are a sensitive person, don’t worry! I have found after much thought the good actually out weighs the bad. If you are an insensitive person you may want to read too, I do intend to list some of the negatives of sensitive people, so for goodness sakes don’t be so sensitive…. punt intended :) I am starting with positives (you sensitive people will appreciate that). #1 Awareness of others feelings The scripture says, “A man offended is harder to win than a city.” The great thing about being sensitive is that you are hyper aware of others feelings. You are quick to pick up on vibes as when someone is feeling left out, insecure, jealous, awkward and the list could go on without end. People rarely surprise you by their actions because your mind is wired to pick up on the thousands of clues a person sends out about who they are and what they are about. Whereas a less sensitive person will take longer to get to know someone (if they ever really know them at all.) Because you are a sensitive person, you are a lot more likely to try and act in a way that makes others feel better about themselves or said situations simply because you "picked up on” their underlying communications. #2 You are more sensitive to the spirit of God There are few people who are only sensitive in negative areas who are not also sensitive in the positive areas. In fact, I believe sensitivity is a gift from God when used right. An example would be the phrase “he/she is sensitive to the spirit of God” which is used in a positive light. A whopping 93% of communication is non-verbal and God himself very few times through out history has actually communicated in an audible voice. You MUST be sensitive to slow down when He speaks to your heart. You must be sensitive to have discernment in church services as to when yourself or others are operating in the Spirit of God, or if you are to speak, are you saying what is on your heart or what is on His? The absolute worst would be to do or say anything that He wouldn’t want you to do or say because you were not sensitive to Him. The Bible says, “He that hath an ear let him hear what the Spirit saith to the church.” We are all created in his image and people rarely say what they think or feel with their words. It is not a coincidence that to be sensitive to God, you also have to be sensitive to others. God makes it plain, that to love Him you must love others. #3 You have built in defense We all know that if you put your hand on a hot burner it is probably not going to feel good. This is a natural built in defense that God gives us to avoid physical pain. The same can be said emotionally. You can learn to be sensitive ( yes sensitivity can be learned) it is built in everyone of us just magnified in some. The Bible says “Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves”. We covered the "harmless as doves" part in being (aware of others feelings) now here comes the "wise as serpents part". Sensitive people are good at picking up on others perceptions of them. It is hard when you can see the probable underlying circumstances that makes someone who or what they are, or why their actions were such, you can give them the benefit of the doubt and often act in ways with grace they are not even aware you are giving them! However, when you feel someone has judged you unfairly it hurts. "To be wise as serpents" you can be sensitive enough to know ahead of time, maybe backing away is best if you cannot help someone. Pray for them always but be sensitive to know when you cannot help them. Also, not everyone has the best intentions for you, being sensitive to this is good because the Bible says, “a good name is rather to be chosen than silver”. Being sensitive enough to know when a relationship is good, or how close of a relationship is good for the betterment of all involved is a great thing! #4 Self Awareness Sensitive people are like anyone else we don’t like the bad things about ourselves and we still have blind spots (things others can see about us we are not aware of). But, sensitive people are much more likely to be aware of their bad traits than non-sensitive people. None of us will be perfect until we get to heaven, but most sensitive people are much more aware of their quirks than you think. They are sensitive so they likely don’t enjoy others pointing their flaws out because hey, they already know this and are probably working on it! However, this does give them a slight advantage over non-sensitive people in this area but also a greater responsibility because the Bible says, “He that knoweth to do good and doeth it not to him it is sin.”. Oddly, all people are naturally sensitive when it comes to finding fault in others regardless of their sensitivity level. #5 The desire to be right before God and man The world is your oyster. Ok so maybe that is a bit extreme, but as an excellent people reader you could play up to everyone and make yourself exactly what they like and easily become likable to all. Only catch, you are too sensitive not to be truthful and with extra sensitivity comes guilt felt to the deepest level. Because you are sensitive to right and wrong and those pesky feelings that people accuse you of feeling too deeply, well they are God’s way of communication sometimes (yes, I believe God uses emotion and now I am a fanatic but that is ok I am Pentecostal). So meanwhile when someone else is mowing others down on their way to the top thinking of others only as speed bumps along the way, you are more likely to be bending over offering others a stepping stone. I listed this as a positive, others may see the guy with the lawn mower in a better light, however, I find it hard to believe these people genuinely feel good about themselves at the top of their mountain. and now for the negative… Ok, Ok, Ill admit and publicly list these areas in hopes to help my fellow “Sensitives” out their. #1 You have no patience for insensitive people It is kind of like sensitive people are walking around with these giant magnifying glasses that non - sensitive people don’t have. It can be super hard for you to understand that others just don’t see things. It is aggravating when you see some injustice done to someone, or some silent cry for help that a less sensitive person just didn’t hear. If you are not careful you judge them as if they had seen it, knew it and ignored it. Most people are not trying to hurt others. which takes me into my next point… #2 You are overly Critical This one is a biggie. If you are not careful you see even more of the ugliness in the world. You feel your pain and others deeper and you begin to see the entire world of anyone who is not sensitive like you as these evil beings who are out to get you and this is the “too” sensitive that is bad. Being “too” sensitive to God or others is good, but being “too” sensitive and overly critical of others or yourself is bad. You get it? #3 You get your feelings hurt too easy You didn’t see this one coming did you? The popular song “Let It Go” comes to mind. This is probably the single reason that being “too” sensitive has a bad name. Don’t make people scared to be around you because they don’t know if what they do or say will offend you. The scripture says “Great is the peace of them that love thy law and nothing shall offend them.” This doesn’t nullify the positive point on “your built in defense system” just use wisdom with that sensitivity. Was there malicious intent? Even if it was the guy with the lawn mower on his way to the top, don’t let his problem become your problem. You CAN choose to get over it. Evaluate what is a healthy or non healthy relationship. Back off if you need to, but pray first, God may have you in that persons life for a reason so, DONT let your feelings get in the way of that! #4 You can assume wrong about someone It can be a great thing when you can pick up on something good or bad about another person that helps you on your journey, but don’t assume all your clues are solving the mystery of someone. You can, if you are not careful, evaluate, analyze and assume, then throw a person in a box or category never to be visited again. People change and you are not the all seeing eye, God is. So use the sensitivity He gave you to help others and make a better world not to throw someone away or assume yourself as God. #5 You don’t see your own wrong Because you are sensitive and feel deeply you want to admit all that is bad about you, you are self aware BUT if you are not careful because you are so willing to admit to yourself you're wrong when YOU see it, it is hard to admit when someone sees something you miss. If something is brought to your attention that negative "too" sensitive wants to be hurt instead of saying my “magnifying glass” had a smudge and I missed that, " I am often __ _ _ _ _.” When we do this we become defensive in a bad way. So this is why I happily tell others "I am sensitive”. To me, it, like any other trait has both positives and negatives. One really cool thing about being a missionary is reading all the cultural books and finding most of the world sees sensitivity as a plus! So next time someone says your sensitive, don’t be insulted say “thank you”. Just develop the good and work on the bad. Jennifer I sniffle quietly. The tears stream free and unashamed. In the background I find comfort as the familiar song “Oh How He Loves Us” plays on the radio. We are leaving our home. This is real. My husband is working silently in the corner separating what children’s books we will attempt to take and which we will leave. If he notices my tears and sniffles he is kind and wise enough to let me grieve in peace. He has been talking about it here and there but I am always quick to change the subject. Always several steps ahead and focusing on the positive. Yet here I am forced to face it and oddly not prepared for the intense storm of emotions I find brewing in my heart. Forced to choose between the amount of toys my kids will be able to take with them and the amount of school books we will be able to take for the schools God has called us to start. My fears are confirmed, the little black boxes will not hold all they were intended to. I grasp tightly to the words playing in the back ground “Oh How He Loves Us” as I wrap a small porcelain horse in a blanket hand made by the girls Grandmother and place it in a box to be seen again who knows when. There really isn’t a high point to the ending of this particular story. Just raw unashamed emotion that is part of this journey to work for our Master. I will look back someday and know at this very moment He really was carrying me. |
AuthorWife, Mother, Missionary, Teacher, Friend ... just a few of the many titles I gladly wear. Never dreamed this is the journey God would take me on. Archives
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