Smol tok nomo |
Smol tok nomo |
Sometimes I find it hard to write about the real, the raw and the personal. Some subjects I don’t want to touch with a ten foot pole, but then I think “what if?” What if its healing to share about my life experiences? What if there is someone who knows me and would never dream I have faced the same things as they? What if it helps some how, me, them, … the world.
Lessons I have learned on what it means to be inclusive. First let me take you back to where I have been. I wouldn’t say I was the most popular girl in college and I certainly had my quirky ways. I was pretty, well loved, funny and had many friends. I liked some boys that didn’t like me back and perhaps had even more boys like me that I didn’t like back. I was voted in as freshman class social rep and spent most of college on student council. I remember some of the girls who were even more “quirky” than I. I remember the teasing that yes, even goes on in Christian college. I remember being proud of myself for never once joining the teasers, some of who were my friends. I remember always smiling and making eye contact with those not having the ideal college experience, but perhaps the most painful memory that has never let me go is of one girl in particular. Relentlessly teased through youth and followed her into college. I remember the nudging that I recoginize now as the Holy Spirit to reach out to her. It was easy to appease with a smile and small talk, but at my core I knew I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do, I wasn’t including her. That girl dropped out a few weeks into her freshman year and completely backslid. I knew what I was supposed to do, but was too busy being young and popular to do it. In all fairness its only came with age the weight of what was truly done here. To some, inclusion is merely an invitation. An invitation to be present but not really apart. In the end this kind of inclusion is more damaging than helpful. It is either driven by selfish motive of simply clearing ones conscience, or in many cases a complete blind spot prone to a certain personality type. Inviting people to be your audience is not inclusion. In my adult years I have faced this and I have learned many lessons from it. Its been one of my more painful and yet eye opening life experiences. I suspect its rarely intentional which is why awareness is so important. Maybe for some they were on the receiving end of rejection at some point in their life. They have their moment and they don’t want it to be taken from them now, for others, again, it is merely a personality type blind spot. I would say it is likely rarely intentional yet the consequences of its outcome don’t change in light of intention. Based solely on my experiences here are some “do’s” and “don’ts” Don’t: Grow bitter or begin seeing the world through the lens of a bad experience Don’t: Keep showing up unnecessarily. In my experience, I kept trying to be apart out of hunger for inclusion and also not wanting to hurt or make anyone feel bad. The problem with this in my case was after months and even years of trying to “say something” or “be apart” eventually I kept showing up but just totally shut down. So I was present but not really there which didn’t help anyone. Don’t: Forget who you are. Of course you should never be prideful, but this kind of experience can make you doubt yourself in ways you never knew were possible. It can shake you to your core and shut you down to everyone. There are those who love and value you. Who want to hear you who want healthy give and take relationships. Don’t change and shut down to the world, you still have something to give. Don’t: Imagine some kind of sworn duty or loyalty to keep showing up for situations that are toxic for you. Its ok to seek out friendships that are real and reciprocated. Do: If you ever find the same ones who failed to include you in a lonely situation or in need of inclusion RUN to them with open arms and a heart full of love. It means you have won. Not in any competition with someone else (which I hate but that’s another blog) It means you have won in the battle with yourself not to let a bad experience cause you to inflict pain upon others but rather it has fueled you to be better. Do: Allow it to open your eyes. Scan the room to see who may be alone. Don’t remain in a constant state of your own good time that you miss a chance to be friendly to someone who might need that. Do: Keep the main things the main things. Love your family. The enemy wants to use hurts to distract you from the ones who need you most. Don’t let him win Do: Trust people. The next person you trust to open up to may end up being a lifetime friend! There are people who don’t play games and people who you are going to just click with, don’t shut down after a bad season! Do: recognize it in others. Don’t assume someone is shut down because they have a chip on their shoulders. Ask yourself, “was I clicky?” “too caught up in my goals or good time?” “did they try until they had nothing left?” “Did my unintentional silence in their direction teach them to shut down?” Bottom line: Its ok to do what you need to do to heal. Never allow your withdrawing to be about hurting someone else or making them pay for what they have done. But if you need to withdraw to heal, to be the best you, to be used in your personality and talents with those who accept you and not merely your presence, that’s ok. If you can do it in a pure heart and love that’s ok. We were never meant to live in bondage. Be respectful. Be kind. Be yourself. Let yourself heal. Look for those who love you, I promise they are there.
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AuthorWife, Mother, Missionary, Teacher, Friend ... just a few of the many titles I gladly wear. Never dreamed this is the journey God would take me on. Archives
July 2022
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